How to handle difficult conversations skillfully and mindfully

Difficult conversations are just part of life. Whether it’s an awkward conversation with a spouse, coworker, client, or boss, it’s essential we can navigate these situations with self-awareness, confidence, and courage, to be assertive when we need to and express ourselves in a healthy way. 

But very often conflict can cause us to fall into hardwired, default patterns of thinking and behavior that don’t help us to resolve the situation. 

We may go on the attack as a show of power, raising our voice, causing the other person to become defensive and ultimately resolving nothing. Or we may try avoiding conflict by backing down and conceding, or even freezing up, again not achieving a satisfactory resolution.

Mindfulness can help us skillfully navigate these difficult situations allowing us to stay grounded, calm, and to think clearly and rationally in the heat of the moment.

Here are five ways that mindfulness can help us to navigate difficult conversations: 

1. Hit the pause button and respond rather than react

One of the most important skills during difficult conversations is having the self-awareness to be conscious of our own thinking and emotional state, to help us self-regulate.

When things get heated our brain’s survival system kicks in, the fight or flight response. The stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline are released, our breathing changes, and our thoughts race. 

We can't think clearly or rationally, as the part of our brain required for this - the prefrontal cortex actually shuts down. We lose perspective and empathy.

This is where mindfulness is such a powerful resource. It allows us to hit the pause button and take back control so we can respond wisely instead of reacting blindly. 

Try to notice when your stress response is getting triggered and bring yourself back into the present moment- this gets easier the more we practice mindfulness. Try focusing on your senses - come back to the breath, even one deep breath can help; notice body sensations, such as the feeling of your feet on the floor. Widen your attention, be aware of sounds, and the space around you. All of these techniques help to ground you in the present moment and allow the rational part of your brain, the prefrontal cortex, to come back online to make sure you’re in the best headspace to navigate the situation.

If you are feeling stressed and anxious before a conversation try exercising, walking, or stretching or some deep diaphragmatic breathing or meditation can be really helpful to dial down the stress response and get back to baseline again.

2. Manage uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and emotions. 

Often when I ask my clients to reflect on what they struggle with the most with confrontation, they tell me it’s the difficult emotions it evokes. 

Through our mindfulness practice, we build the capacity to sit with difficult thoughts, feelings, and emotions by learning to get curious about them, accept them, and even turn towards them. We realise that emotions are not permanent, that thoughts are not necessarily true or helpful, nor do they control our response. 

The paradox is that by turning towards negative thoughts and emotions, we find relief from them - not by turning away from them.

 “Whatever you fight you strengthen and what you resist persists “ Eckhart Tolle 

3. Be Hear Now - Practice mindful listening  

Let me ask you a question: How do you feel when you’re talking to someone and they’re distracted and not fully listening, or just waiting for their turn to speak?

Mindful communication is one of the most powerful ways we can navigate difficult conversations because it allows the other person to feel heard and allows us to pick up on subtle cues we may have missed. 

During conflict try first just to listen, people are more likely to consider your point of view when they feel heard themselves. Make sure you’re giving the other person your full, undistracted attention and that you’re not caught up thinking about what you or they are going to say next.  

As Stephen Covey famously said

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply."

Here's a tip, if your mind is distracted with racing thoughts, and you’re struggling to take in what the other person is saying, try repeating their words in your mind to help keep you focused on the conversation and in the moment. 

Also, try to be aware of not just the words but also what is being communicated non verbally: facial expression, tone of voice, body language; up to 70% of communication is nonverbal. 

4. Bring a beginner’s mind 

One of the key teachings of mindfulness is to try to cultivate a non-judgemental attitude and to approach all situations with what we call a beginner’s mind. This means dropping our expectations and preconceived ideas and seeing things with a more open mind, with fresh eyes, just like a beginner. This is an essential skill for confrontation. 

During difficult conversations, our minds are constantly judging and evaluating the situation. Minds love trying to find patterns and make meaning of things – but that doesn’t make our judgments right or true, and very often these judgments can blind us from reality and put us on the defensive. 

Try to not anticipate how the other person may respond, or what they might be thinking, when we do this we can easily get the conversation off to a negative start before it’s even begun.

Be conscious of placing meaning in words or body language that the other person may not have intended. For example, if the other person isn’t talking much, this might mean they are not interested – or it could simply mean they are listening intently, or even that they don’t understand. If you’re unsure, seek to clarify rather than assume.

Can you think of a time where your preconceived ideas, judgments or interpretations of a situation have turned out to be wrong? 

5. Practice empathy and compassion 

When two people come to a conversation only considering their own needs and point of view, it is unlikely to come to a peaceful resolution. In mindfulness training, we practice empathy and compassion, two essential qualities to help us manage conflict. 

Do your best to see the situation from the other person’s point of view, consider their needs and pain points. 

This is not to say that you have to agree with them, but it is easier to find some common ground when we understand what matters to them, what they need, and how they feel. Communicating your desire to understand and work it out, can have a calming effect on the conversation if you can build trust and connection with the other person they are more likely to consider your point of view.

I hope these tips help, remember to start small and build up your skill and confidence before dealing with those more challenging conversations 

Good luck :) 

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